Stress is going to happen. Making sure that stress has the least negative impact on our health is partially about removing it, if we can, but more importantly about developing applicable physical, mental and behavioral coping skills that will lead to overall reduced stress and therefore better health.

To develop these coping skills, we must really understand how the body reads stress. Stress is formally defined as a physical, emotional, cognitive or behavioral response to something we decide is either challenging or threatening. The thing that stands out in this definition is “we decide,” meaning we have control over what we allow to be stressful. So when we decide that something is stressful, the body goes into attack mode just as it would if we came into contact with a virus. We have already discussed how dangerous this can be to our overall health if left unchecked. Increased risk of heart disease, cancer and diabetes are very real consequences. But there are short term consequences that can be just as debilitating, such as increased headaches, stomach issues, inflammatory issues, anxiety, depression, sleeplessness, weight gain and poor quality of life.

It is common knowledge that the best way to promote overall health is through exercise. There are differing opinions on how much and what type of exercise we should get. Most of the time it depends on our overall goals. If the goal is to reduce stress, then chances are a Sunday stroll around town is not going to do it. For stress hormones to decrease, a healthy adult needs to get at least 150 minutes of moderate (walking at a pace of 3 miles per hour) or 75 minutes of vigorous (running) aerobic activity per week.

This type of exercise often leads to multiple positive outcomes: losing weight, better mental focus, increased endorphins (the body’s natural pain killer), decreased toxins in the body, more restful sleep and a healthier outlook on life. All of these things taken together will help to decrease your stress level and promote good health.

Most of our stressors are directly under our control if we really stop and think about it. A phrase I repeat every semester is, “Ninety percent of your drama happens because of you, not to you.” I think this probably holds true for most of us at different points in our lives. We allow social media, what someone said, what someone did, a situation out of our control or a possible scenario that has less than 1 percent probability of happening decide our stress level. We allow ourselves to participate in situations and make decisions that we know are going to have stressful consequences. So maybe the first line of defense in the fight against stress needs to be cognitive. This certainly falls in line with the overall definition of stress. “We decide” what we let cause us stress. So, we can decide to not let it cause us stress.

This is not advocating denial. We must take a hard look at our lives and make a conscious effort to eliminate the stress that we can so that we can deal with the stress that we cannot eliminate. This may mean taking a break from social media or asking yourself, “Does this really matter in the grand scheme of life.” For many of us it means taking control of our activities, not the other way around, or reevaluating how we make decisions, being less impulsive and more deliberate. Or hardest of all, it may mean saying the word “no.” Saying no to a new activity or task at work. It may be saying no to an unhealthy lifestyle or a relationship that is becoming toxic. None of this will be easy but it will be worth it.

Unfortunately, if we are honest, the source of most of our stress as adults comes from relationships with others. Not just the actual relationships but our expectations of the relationship. We want control over those relationships and how they play out. This often leaves us feeling like we are beating our heads against a brick wall. And yet, we continue this behavior until we are good and bloody.

The statement: We can only be responsible for and change our own behavior, actions, reactions and responses, not someone else’s, is probably one of the most aggravating sentences ever spoken, and not something that someone who is in a frustrating uncontrollable relationship wants to hear. However, it is a key component to changing our behavioral responses to stress. When you embrace this idea that you can only be responsible for your actions and reactions, the frustration that comes with so many of our relationships will melt away. Eliminating frustration is ultimately eliminating stress. Not only will you feel less frustrated, you will also feel more in control, which is another automatic stress reducer.

Reducing our stress level is not going to happen overnight. It is going to take time and a conscious effort on our part. But if you start to think of stress as an enemy to your health, your quality of life and your longevity, it may make it easier to take the first step.

Heather Emory holds a Master’s degree in Psychology and teaches in the Behavioral Science Division at Hinds Community College.