In the wordsmith business the perfect word is sometimespainfully evasive, especially during times of tight deadlines andmental lapses. Sometimes even a good Thesaurus lacks the right wordto express your thought.

In the newspaper business, we are taught to be brief andconcise, which means using a few words to describe many. It is afrustrating part of column writing. I mean, how do you quickly andclearly describe the process of opening a milk carton on the wrongside? Or the ballet that goes on between two individuals who aretrying to use the same armrest in a movie theater or airplane?

So after an exhaustive and in-depth research (someone sent me ane-mail), I have come across the following words and definitionsthat may solve that dilemma and allow readers to better communicatewith others.

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks’trus) adj. possessing the ability toturn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar’pur pet u a shun) n. The act, whenvacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least adozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, thenputting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt’) v. To sterilize the piece ofconfection (lollypop) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it,assuming this will somehow ‘remove’ all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon’iks) n. The actions of two peoplemaneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to beswept onto the dustpan and keeps backing a person across the roomuntil he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak’ to man gyu lay’ shun) n. Manhandlingthe “open here” spout on a milk container so badly that one has toresort to the ‘illegal’ side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay’) n. The waiter at a fancy restaurantwhose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if theywant fresh ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee’ zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phonenumber and forgetting whom you were calling just as theyanswer.

9. PUPKUS (pup’kus) n. The moist residue left on a window aftera dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay’ shun) n. The act ofalways letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up,even when you’re only six inches away.

The job of a columnist is to keep your readers informed withthought-provoking information they can use to make decisions intheir daily lives. So, now you know what to call that build upunder the living room rug.

Write to Bill Jacobs at P.O. Box 551, Brookhaven, Miss.39602.