Every now and then I think I want to be aMaster Chef.

    The feeling passes quickly, though, when I remember the first lineof every recipe I know begins with “Remove tray from carton.” Forvariety, I sometimes go with “Remove contents from can.”

    Either way, the next instruction is usually “Set microwave timer to…” or “Preheat oven to …”

    Nevertheless, I try to make a point of watching “Hell’s Kitchen”and “MasterChef” when they’re on the television. “MasterChef” iswinding down toward this season’s finale while “Hell’s Kitchen” isat about the halfway point.

    I haven’t tried to watch too many other “cooking” shows. Perhapsthat’s because I’m watching something else or more likely I justdon’t find them as entertaining.

    Watching either “Hell’s Kitchen” or “MasterChef,”  both of which feature famous chefGordon Ramsay, is almost like learning a foreign language when thecooks talk about the ingredients. Gorgonzola may be a fun word tosay, but I don’t think I’ll be having it as part of any meal I’llbe eating anytime soon.

    I must admit Ramsay’s antics on “Hell’s Kitchen” are part of theattraction for me.

    Amid a bleep-fest of colorful metaphors, Ramsay is constantlyproclaiming, “It’s RAW!” when the contestant chefs presentsomething for service. And seemingly more often than not, “Shut itdown!” is ordered for the dinner service when a frustrated Ramsaytires of dealing with their apparent incompetence.

    I always wonder what the diners are thinking when this happens. Arethey amused at the cooking shenanigans? Or are they annoyed orangered that their big night out at the fancy restaurant didn’tmaterialize as hoped?

    Ramsay is a little better behaved on “MasterChef.” Most likely it’sbecause he’s not dealing with supposedly professional chefs, butrather merely home cooks who seem especially well versed in theculinary arts.

    Poplarville’s Whitney Miller won last season to become the first”MasterChef” in the U.S. She made an appearance earlier this seasonfor the contestants to replicate a catfish dish she made on lastseason’s show.

    That I like any show involving the preparation of food is prettyironic considering that I’m in the running for the title of”World’s Pickiest Eater.”

    My hamburgers are plain and my chicken or fish is usually fried.And my PB & J sandwich will never have any J.

    As you can imagine, I eat out a good bit, and when I do, adventureis not something I entertain. I like what I like and that’sthat.

    I often become so routine that waitresses at several restaurantsI’ve frequented over the years came to know my order and what toexpect. I’ve thrown an occasional curveball – from the chickenentrée to the fish entrée – just to mess with them.

    I love candy and sweets, but there are even things in those areasI’m not touching.

    In our odd news section a few weeks ago, we ran a story about adonut burger to be unveiled at the New York State Fair later thismonth. As the name implies, it is a chunk of meat between twoslices of grilled, glazed donut.

    The article went on to mention other sorts of offbeat food fare atstates’ fairs. Among them were chocolate-covered bacon on a stick,fried jellybeans and a “Koolickle,” which is a pickle soaked inKool-Aid.

    Adding chocolate and frying seem to be popular aspects of faircuisine. My past experiences have proven that my stomach has enoughissues with “ordinary” items, much less some off-the-wallcombination of food and cooking technique.

    As for my own cooking techniques, I haven’t given up trying toexpand.

    I took a baking cookies baby step just the other day. Hey, it’s astart.

    But fine restaurant diners have nothing to worry about. I’ll be aMaster Chef about the same time the donut burger shows up on the”Hell’s Kitchen” menu.

    That’s all for now.

    Write to Managing Editor Matthew Coleman at P.O. Box 551,Brookhaven MS 39602, or send e-mail tomcoleman@dailyleader.com.