I strongly dislike joining any type of group.  There is no doubt that they serve a great purpose for many people, but I am just not one of those people.  I don’t have any real reasons to feel this way about groups.  I just do.  It’s not the people in or the purpose of the group, it’s the inherent nature of what a group is about.  They require me to be socially interactive for long, sustained periods of time and that drains the life-blood from my veins faster than anything.  But, if you asked me right now to be a part of a group: reading, women’s, church, etc, I would sit here, knowing my disdain for them, and actually ponder being a part.  I might even join.

Why?  Why do I subject myself to something that I know is going to drain my energy, be a constant source of aggravation, and ultimately put me in a world of negativity?

I know who I am.  I know that I am an introvert who needs quiet alone time.  I know that I thrive in one-on-one relationships that are organic.  Yet, I still participate in activities that do not match my personality.  We all do.  Adult peer pressure is alive and well.

Granted, there are some things that we all just have to suffer through because it is life.  Being the mom of three girls, there are several things that fit into this category.  But when we have a choice, we should exercise our right to say no.

We are a society that is busy, overwhelmed, stressed and in constant pursuit of the elusive creature called happiness.  We have bought into this idea of a one-size-its-all model for personal growth and fulfillment.  This is a faulty way of thinking.  We are all very unique individuals.  For that reason, our activities, interests and participation should be just as unique.  Otherwise, we will often find ourselves drained, frustrated, anxious, depressed and further away from happy. But saying no is hard.  Ridicule, rejection and disapproval are usually the fate of someone who dares to challenge the model. Knowing and accepting the core parts of our identity and tailoring our pursuits around that goes a long way in achieving good physical and mental health, as well as a since of contentment with life, which in my opinion, is much better than happiness.

How do we begin to know ourselves and start the process of living an energized, full, peaceful life?

1. We must understand and accept that there is a core part of our personality is hardwired.  We are who we are.  That doesn’t mean that we do not have the capacity to change or adapt, it just means that we have inborn tendencies to approach life in a certain way.  A great place to start for understanding is a reliable personality test.  The Myers-Briggs personality inventory provides understandable information about how we perceive the world, make decisions, and interact with others. You can take the online Myers-Briggs and have your score interpreted at www.myersbriggs.org.  Just follow the prompts for the online test.

2. Make a list of everything you love doing and detest doing.  The explanation of your Myers-Briggs score should give insight into why you are drawn to certain activities and people and not others.  As I mentioned earlier, I strongly dislike groups because they are just that “groups.”  I am an introvert which means that large social gatherings will drain my energy.  If you are an extrovert, you crave large social gatherings and solitude drains your energy.

3. Begin to eliminate the activities that aren’t a good fit for your personality.  You may not be able to eliminate everything, but you may be able to tweak them so that they match your personality better.

4. Love, own and appreciate who you are.  You will be shocked at what a stress reducer this can be.  Remember, you bring something to the table that no one else can.  Own it. Flaunt it.  Stop trying to fit into a model that was destined to fail.

Heather Emory lives in Brookhaven with her husband and three daughters. She holds a master’s degree in psychology and teaches in the Behavioral Science Division at Hinds Community College.