Retcon: 1. (verb) revise (an aspect of a fictional work) retrospectively, typically by introducing a piece of new information that imposes a different interpretation on previously described events. 2. (comics) the great mulligan button

Marvel execs announced that the Marvel comic universe would be “Ending” in May with the launch of their “Secret Wars” event when the Ultimate Universe collides with the Marvel Universe.

Ugh. OK Marvel. Remember when the world ended in 1984 with the first Secret Wars? Yeah, pretty much all we got from that was the Venom symbiote introduced in Secret Wars No. 8. The rest has been lost to the great Retcon Ray.

And remember when Scarlet Witch said “No more mutants,” and all the mutants not in close proximity to one of your Illuminati big boys lost their powers? Devastating right? Yeah. Enter the great Deus ex Machina that is the Phoenix. She shows up and rewrites two years of comic lore.

Yeah, remember when, during Marvel Civil War, Spider-Man revealed his secret identity on national TV, in support of the Mutant Registration Act that lead to Aunt May being killed? How well did that stick, you ask? Well one good trip to the devil … ahem … sorry “Mephisto,” and Spidey gets his identity back, his Aunt May back, but loses Mary Jane. Then he gets possessed by a dying Doctor Octopus who eventually is defeated and Peter Parker’s consciousness takes back over the reigns, and tries to rekindle a romance with Mary Jane.

See a pattern? Every one of these events was supposed to have long standing and drastic ramifications on the existing comic world, so you’ll forgive me if I view your latest threats of existence wide alterations as nothing more than an attempt to squeeze whatever money you can out of your failed Ultimate Universe by having it’s less popular titles die and salvage the only money making Ultimate title you have left, Ultimate Spider-Man.

Until you prove me wrong, Marvel, I’ll be over here setting my retcon ray to “Don’t care.”

Class dismissed.