Somebody stop the son-of-beaching ‘Sand Police’

Published 5:00 am Friday, July 28, 2000

Somewhere beneath the sands of Ship Island lies one of the capsI wore as a child.

It was left there by accident during a family summer vacationmany years ago. As I remember, the good sand was on the other sideof the island, away from where the boat docked, and my cap was leftbehind in a rush to get back to the boat after play time.

Do I miss that cap? Of course not.

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It was one of those buckle in the back kind with “CAT” or someother advertisement on the front. Getting another one was easysince my dad was a mechanic.

What worries me though is one day the “Sand Police” could come,find out I wore it while building sand castles, trace it back to meand have me arrested.

The “Sand Police” are apparently based in Oregon (granted a longway off but you never know) and, according to a news item earlierthis week, frown upon children building sand castles at PeaceVillage day camp. The reason: “it’s simply too violent.”

Oh, the horror!

Imagine all the young, impressionable minds across the UnitedStates that have been corrupted by these “violent” and”militaristic” sand sculptures! If only responsible parents hadbeen around to kick those castles back into nothingness.

What a wonderful world this would be if children built “sandvillages,” which the day camp officers say are more welcoming andless conflict-oriented.

Speaking of beaches and the military, I guess the next step isfor the ever-popular green Army men to be outlawed by the “SandPolice.” No more storming the beaches for “Sarge,” “Duke,” orwhatever names children assign to the little plastic fellas.

Of course, all incarnations of the plastic men, even in thevideo game world, must be eradicated.

And I was so close to finishing all the missions on my “Army Men3-D” video game. No more “Real combat. Plastic men” for me.

The “Toy Story” movies must go. The toy soldiers went onmaneuvers in those films.

But wait, what about those animated Army guys in the commercialsa few months back?

You know, the one where Sarge cries when asked, “Where’s’Smoking a Cigarette Man?'”

“He’s … gone,” Sarge replies as he asks television cameras tobe turned off.

I guess all those anti-smoking and no tobacco people will haveto find a “less militaristic” way of getting their messageacross.

I wonder if the Oregon “Sand Police” are watching “Survivor.”You know they know that at least one of the castaways had to havebuilt a sand castle at some point during their island stay.

I bet it was Rudi, the ex-Navy SEAL. During his career in themilitary, he’s been on a beach or two and probably knows somethingabout castles.

The “Sand Police” likely would be the last group Rudi’s managedto offend. He’s gotten just about everybody else already.

The old goat is truly an equal opportunity offender.

A few weeks ago, Rudi made a bathroom use reference as the onlyreason for having a Bible when stranded on an island. This week, heused the “Q-word” a couple of times to describe the gay guy in thegroup and later questioned whether the women, who might be lesbian,were smart enough to form an alliance to vote somebody off theisland.

And to think he won the “immunity idol” in a contest describedas a battle of wits.

Oh, but there’s always next week.

I know Rudi can’t win immunity from being voted off every week,and the “Sand Police” surely are chomping at the bit to nabhim.

Wait a minute, maybe this no sand castles thing might work afterall.

Matt Coleman is The DAILY LEADER’s News Editor. Write to himat P.O. Box 551, Brookhaven, MS 39602.