JACKSON — Time: Jan. 3, 2013.

“Guvnah! Guvnah!”

“We got us a crisis, guvnah.”

Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour’s No. 1 aide displayed afrenzied, wild-haired demeanor as he burst into the semi-ovaloffice. His bifocals had fogged up from the strenuous climb fromthe bottom floor.

Due to the continuing economic crisis and energy crunch, allelevators and escalators in the Capital City had been ruledinoperative and energy inefficient. Besides, having the statelegislators climb all those flights of stairs encouraged physicalfitness, not to mention heart attacks.

The wholesale Mississippi effort to shake its Fattest State inthe Union recognition brought a smile from Washington D.C. Seatedon his throne, King Obama proclaimed a special day in honor of theMagnolia State.

“I proclaim free seaweed and well water for everyone on Jan. 13.Those items will not be taxed for one day.”

Response in Mississippi was mixed. Certainly, the people enjoyedone day of no tax on seaweed and water. Many residents grew theirown food in secret gardens to avoid taxation.

Overwhelmed by heavy taxes, including an air tax, gratefulmillions turned to the East, shook their fists and shouted, “Obama!Obama! Obama! Long Live King Obama!”

Barbour, defeated as the GOP candidate in the last presidentialelection, had decided to keep the governor’s job. No one daredargue that decision. In anger, he might raise the tax on food to 20percent.

Barbour’s 2009 platform to reduce spending in the Magnolia Statehad caused residents to revolt in mass numbers. There was a T-E-AMillion Man March on the Capital City. Church’s, Popeye’s andKentucky Fried Chicken ran out of cooking oil/grease ashard-working illegals attempted to feed the masses. It was chaos inthe streets and chicken bones everywhere.

On the sports scene, consolidation of Mississippi’s Big Threeuniversities had met stiff opposition. However, wiser, moreeducated minds prevailed and the three athletic programs becameone. A new 100,000-seat domed stadium in Jackson was scheduled toopen in the fall of 2013. The United Mississippi University stadiumis sold out two months before the first kickoff.

“U-M-U, We Want Two!” That cheer continues to grow in popularityaround the Magnolia State.

Since the merger in 2010, the Big Three football programs hadunited and prospered. The Rebelious Golden Dogs won the BCSNational Championship in 2012, beating Southern Cal 52-12 in thetitle game. Head coach Houston Nutt was given a contract extensionbut no raise due to the economic crunch. Co-offensive coordinatorsLarry Fedora and Dan Mullen, along with defensive coordinatorTyrone Nix, also received extensions and all the cheese theirfamilies could eat, compliments of the Starkville Dairy ProductsCombine.

Meanwhile, on the Mississippi Community/Junior College level,most of the schools had been consolidated in 2010. Co-Lin andSouthwest, once bitter archrivals, became Homochitto CommunityCollege because of the national forest’s close proximity to therespective campuses. Each campus has two home games next season.Tree bark, dipped in cane syrup, is a popular item at theconcession stands.

All soccer games are played in Stone and Hurst Stadiums, much tothe delight of the fans.

To their credit, the Fighting Homos, a shortened version of HomoSapiens, worked out the consolidation kinks and became a powerfulforce in athletics. Former Co-Lin boss Glenn Davis coached them tothe MACJC state football championship, beating Jones County/PearlRiver 39-20 in the title game. Charles Anthony is defensivecoordinator for the Homos whose adorable mascot favors a crossbetween sasquatch and a steroid-pumped swamp ape. Brett Shufeltworks as recruiting coordinator for all the Homo athleticteams.

In Lincoln County, the high school scene has made dramaticchanges since the reduction in funding for education. The fourcounty schools have been consolidated with Brookhaven and becomeLincoln Central.

With approximately 1,700 students in grades 9-12, the LincolnCentral Lasers boast an outstanding athletic program. Sports suchas volleyball, wrestling and swimming have been added to theathletic department, giving more students an opportunity toparticipate in extra curricular activities. Lacrosse will be addedto the mix in 2014 if the right coach can be found.

Back to reality, Professor Hoopla B.S., was searching for theright combination as the 2009 football season winds down. Hepredicted the winners of 16 games last week and managed to get 13correct.

Here’s a preview of this weekend’s winners, starting with someFriday night high school state playoff games.

River Oaks at Brookhaven Academy: All signs point to anotheroffensive show but there will be less scoring than last week as theCougars capture the South State Class AA crown. Brookhaven Academy30-21.

Lawrence County at Greene County: It’s the third round of theClass 4A state playoffs and the Monticello-based Cougars wing it inLeakesville as they take care of the Wildcats. Lawrence County24-10.

Franklin County at Morton: Panthers prove they have grownbigger, faster and stronger on a steady diet of home-grown chickenas they dispose of the Bulldogs in the South State Class 3Asemifinals. Morton 20-12.

After enjoying a swig of Cherry Coke, Hoopla takes a gander atSaturday’s collegiate scene.

Mississippi College at Huntingdon: Choctaws engage the Hawks inan NCAA Division III opening round playoff game in Montgomery, Ala.MC 33-23.

LSU at Ole Miss: Rebels are riding high after dismantlingTennessee. LSU has more talent and speed than the Vols. LSU22-14.

Mississippi State vs. Arkansas: War Memorial Stadium in LittleRock is the scene of this hard-hitting SEC contest. Razorbacks by aTD. Arkansas 24-17.

Tulsa at Southern Miss: Golden Eagles appear to have theirhigh-octane offense in gear as they dream of a bowl invitation.Southern Miss 32-19.

Alcorn State at Jackson State: In a dismal season for bothteams, the Tigers salvage a win over their archrivals. JacksonState 18-10.

Valley State at Alabama A&M: After beating Jackson State,the Bulldogs focus on another SWAC also-ran. Alabama A&M22-6.

Write to sports editor Tom Goetz, c/o The DAILY LEADER, P.O. BOX551, Brookhaven, MS 39602 or e-mail sports@dailyleader.com

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