The formula for telling time in sports

Published 9:49 pm Monday, October 30, 2017

Let’s all just take a minute and breathe real deep.

Lay down your axes. Douse the torches. Return the hounds to the kennels, calm down and let’s talk this out. Through a combination of research and mathematics, I think we can answer this question together.

Just how long has it been since God was a boy?

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There’s a few different ways we can go about this. Scholars say Jesus was born in 4 B.C., and since Jewish children become adults at age 13, technically speaking God stopped being a boy around 9 A.D., or 2,008 years ago.

We could also consider the non-literal approach to the phrase “since God was a boy,” which Google tells me originated in old Ireland. In this instance the phrase simply means that something has not happened in a long time, with the amount of time being very loosely defined.

Still a third option for determining the meaning of the phrase “since God was a boy” would be to take the classical age of God — infinity — and calculate the area of the rhombus, subtract the negative integers, triangulate the position of Brookhaven Academy on a map and multiply the whole thing by pi, 3.14159265359.

That’s just a bunch of fancy math words. I don’t know what any of them mean except “triangulate.”

I do know when I said in a story published Friday, Oct. 27 the BA Cougars are hosting their first home playoff game “since God was a boy,” it was just a fun way of saying the program has risen to great heights and now the team is living large. Apparently, not everyone thought it was funny.

Before we go any further, I want to point out that “living large” is not a fat joke.

Yes, I know — the Cougars won a state title in 2009 and then won another one in 2012, and the last one was only five years ago and five years only fits into the second, non-literal definition of “since God was a boy” and not into the first or third (unless we consider the rhombus).

So, some people were upset and offended and hurt, and I was accused of printing misinformation through a “poorly-worded analogy,” though I don’t think the phrase is actually an analogy. It’s a metaphor, but whatever.

Here’s the point — that was a 629-word story in which I described the Cougars, their season, the BA program or a combination of all as the following:

• The area’s most potent offense

• Biggest moment of an exciting season

• Outstanding achievement

• One of the state’s biggest program turnarounds

• Seems well equipped

• A hungry passing offense

• Solid, senior running backs

And then, of course:

• Since God was a boy

Guess which one folks remembered?

Look, I’m a fan of the Cougars — just like I’m a fan of Brookhaven High, Loyd Star, West Lincoln, Bogue Chitto, Enterprise, Wesson, Lawrence County, the Southern Wildcats Youth Football Team and those kids from the art school walking to the Chinese restaurant. Sometimes I may use a few grandiose phrases to describe a team’s winning ways, and sometimes I may use a few to describe the low points, too.

Either I’m going to have to enroll in sensitivity training so I don’t keep making everybody mad, or some of y’all are going to have to grow some harder bark.

The Cougars have had an excellent season. The players have covered themselves in grass stains and glory and brought positive attention to their school and community. The program is competitive, and all the outstanding athletes there are continuing the school’s rich history.

A history so rich, you could almost call it an “embarrassment of riches.” But I can’t say that, either.

Sports editor Adam Northam can be reached at 601-265-5305 or