Hairless Guinea pigs look like little hippos

Published 7:17 pm Wednesday, July 26, 2017

It seems everyone is on a rant lately.

I don’t mean that negatively, really — I just mean I’ve seen a lot of complaints from a lot of people about a lot of things, and most that I’ve seen are justified in being upset.

One ranted about feeling attacked by friends and family when he posts his opinions on social media. Another ranted about her ex-husband paying child support on time but refusing to help with school supplies or enact agreed-upon discipline. Still another railed about a minister she felt was misusing Scripture.

Subscribe to our free email newsletter

Get the latest news sent to your inbox

I’ll stop with those examples.

But it started me thinking about what to rant on about myself. It’s not hard to look around and find things that dissatisfy, disappoint and discourage. That’s a lot of dis-ing.

There are so many options, from the ultra serious to the absurd. I couldn’t decide, so I chose to go to the Internet for help, and look for a generator.

Not an electric generator, but a website that would generate something for you. I typed “generic rant generator” into my search engine and it spewed out a long list.

I chose one partially entitled “automatic complaint generator” and figured I’d see what happened.

The website had a fill-in-the-blank form, with an option to complain about a person or a company/organization. I made up a name for a person and entered it with the option of generating only a one-paragraph complaint.

I didn’t want to get carried away. I’m glad I limited it, because the paragraph was quite long. Here’s what it said, it part:

“First, I inarguably dislike Mr. Sherbet … a humorless rapscallion who wants only to turn positions of leadership into positions of complacency. Second, Mr. Sherbet indeed dislikes me. … Community engagement, outreach, social justice and equity will all help us remove the misunderstanding that Mr. Rainbow X. Sherbet IV has created in the minds of myriad people throughout the world.”

Hmm. I, uh … was not sure what to say about that.

So I tried it with a company, also fictitious. The results were less than spectacular, not funny and rather boring.

I think I’m complaining about my generated complaints, aren’t I?

I decided on a different tactic: a random compliment generator. I found one quickly, and it gave me this: “You’ve really nailed being a human. Good job.”

I like it.

Here’s another: “You’re really good at making sandwiches.”

I could get used to this.

I tried a couple of other options, too.

“Random curse generator” did not turn up answers like, “A plague on both your houses!” I should’ve expected that.

“Random blessing generator” was blocked by my network’s content filtering. Really?

So I gave up.

But then I remembered that my 16-year-old daughter who loves to write letters and send cards also loves to add a random fun fact to the ends of her letters or on the envelopes. So I searched for ‘random happy facts,’ and I like what I found.

“Even if they’re never able to see it themselves, blind people smile when they’re happy. Smiling is a basic human instinct.”

“When you shave a Guinea pig, it looks like a little hippo.” Who discovered that?

“Somewhere, someone is having the best day of their life.”

“At one point, very briefly, you were the youngest person on the planet.”

And this one: “Every year, hundreds of new trees grow because squirrels forget where they buried their nuts.”

Don’t worry, squirrels. Reading some of the earlier stuff I came across, I’m pretty sure I found some of them.

News editor Brett Campbell can be reached at 601-265-5307 or