With apologies to Bob Newhart, I pondered what might happentoday if a famous song were submitted to a modern producer.

Scene – Office of Ajax Music Company, a politically correctcompany.

Man at desk – telephone rings.

Ajax Music Company, what can I do for you?

You’ve got a song? What kind of a song, love song,country-western?

A baseball song? Well, I don’t know. It must be politicallycorrect and not offend anyone.

Well, all right. Let me hear the lyrics.

“Take me out to the ball game.” Well, ok, what next?

“Take me out to the crowd.” CROWD! I don’t know – people don’tlike crowds – what with all the terrorists and such – how about-“Take me out with the fans.”

“Buy me some peanuts and crackerjacks.” Oh, no, that’s toocommercial – besides the baseball teams make their money from hotdogs and beer. The crackerjacks and peanuts are just peanuts – howabout – “Buy me some hot dogs and ice cold beer.”

What next? “I don’t care if I never get back.” Never get back?What would you do? Sleep in the stands? Look, we got enoughhomeless guys without encouraging more to live at the ballpark.

“Root, root, root, for the home team.” Now, wait a minute! Whatabout the visiting team fans, that would hurt their feelings.They’ve got a right to be respected. And ROOT-that sounds bad -like a hog rooting – how about – “Pull, pull, pull for bothteams.”

“If they don’t win it’s a shame.” What? Look – half of the teamslose each time – there’s nothing to be ashamed of – they should beproud to be playing at all. There’s no shame in losing – we woulddiscourage participation. How about -“If they don’t win, It’sokay.” What next?

“So, it’s one, two, three strikes you’re out at the Ole BallGame.”

Now wait a minute – striking out is the most despised failurefor a batter. I don’t think we should taunt the batters aboutstriking out. Now – a base on balls is not so bad how about – “One,two, three, four and walk once more.”

What next?

“You can take the bat and …” Do what with it? Hello? Hello?Dumb kid – can’t take constructive criticism. That song would nevergo over!

Contact Bob Jones, local attorney and Brookhaven resident,at 833-7075.